You may already have met Sheila, my Czechoslovakian Mountain Elephant. If not, say hello now. Sheila helps me with presentations and she's pretty nimble on her pins, too.

So, lets' kick off with a recipe for Pulped and Squirted Diptheria vaccines. An odd choice, you may say, but that's hardly relevant. I'd recommend that you take out comprehensive medical insurance before attempting to pulp the vaccines, although it's safe to squirt them on the NHS.

You may ask why one would want to eat a pulped and squirted diptheria vaccine. Valid point - I've been asking myself the same question for years now. It all comes down to a matter of temperament. Your bones, or my clock. You see, when I call the shots, it 's best to bring your own needle lest I play you a scratched record.

I have to say that I really don't know the origin of the diptheria vaccine recipe. I believe a psychotic Guildford chemist invented it on the eve of a killing spree which left several of the plants in his garden looking more than a little withered. You se e, this is probably one of the most effective herbicides known to Man. It's also good for stomach ulcers - that is, if you like that sort of thing.

Perhaps I should mention at this point that Plato, the Ancient Greek philosopher and founder of Plato Enterprises, never ate pulped and squirted diptheria vaccines. He couldn't have - he was too busy writing "The Republic".

Philosophical memories aside, there's something quite multidimensional about the old transcendental kitchen, you know. Perhaps it's the fact that the walls are made from a refined silk material I invented myself, or maybe it's the vapour from the simmering vaccines I'm preparing. I don't really know.

Well, never mind, we must get down to work. Firstly, take the packet of diptheria vaccines (did I mention you need a packet of diptheria vaccines? Good.) Empty the box. Spread the vaccines on the floor (on a newspaper to protect the pattern) and stamp on them. That's the pulping over.

Next, after cleaning the newspaper carefully to remove the ink, take the empty canisters or ampoules, and sachet them lightly with a hot wet teaspoon. This requires care - remember what I told you: if they squirt you in the eye, you mustn't retaliate. The n, dropping the three lugs, eat the dry toast and, filling a syringe with the droplets of vaccine which are dripping from the ceiling, squirt. The dish serves four, but the embers will glow for several days after.