Cup of Tea?An ancient Oriental Fighting Art, originating in Portswood, in the Far East of Southampton.In these dark times of violence, robbery and KFC KCB OLE JCB OHP DVLA, it is essential for the modern philanthropist to have at his beck and call the fighting skills required to survive a brutal confrontation with a large man named Steve who does not like you (or maybe he does but he's decided you like that sort of thing). For this purpose we have decided to make available for the first time in colour a transcript of the ancient, secret and highly irritating art of CupOfTeaee? Meaning "to splash one's enemies with hot flavoured water whilst simultaneously damaging the smallest digit opon their most used hand", CupOfTea is a japanese word from the Toh Kin Pu dialect spoken in whispers only. The practice of CupOfTea dates back to pre-feudal Japan, when all the families lived in harmony and often invited each other over for cake and refreshment at about four o'clock. As it would happen, there was one family going by the name of Jones, who the other families dreaded inviting, yet politeness dictated that they must. The Joneses were known for their voracious appetites and inability to avoid overstaying their welcome. At a large meeting of the households, it was dermined that, in order to discourage the Joneses from accepting their invitations, to behave extremely clumsily around them, and often spill hot liquid upon their persons. Such were the humble beginnings of one of the finest, most deadly, and hardest to master marial arts known today. The art itself earns its reputation due to its incredible effectiveness in western society; if, for example, one is wandering happily along a dark alley-way at night whisting a merry tune and jangling the change in one's pocket occasionally wondering out loud where one parked one's Porsche, and for some unknown reason, a vicious assailant chooses to assail, CupOfTea will not only protect the artist (refered to as Pouri*), but also incapacitate the attacker (refered to as Uke-ep-covering-me-in-tea**). The event happens thusly: Uke rushes at Pouri brandishing the weapon of his choice (strangely, in the kata version of this, the weapon is depicted as a handwritten invitation) Pouri, unfazed by Uke's wild abandoned screaming (classically 'yoo-hoo its me') casually produces a table, complete with table cloth, cakes, biscuits, cucumber sandwiches with the crust cut off***, and most importantly a large china teapot and a set of fancy cups. This action, at once fluid, dynamic and consummately professional, has an immediate and profound effect: Uke will instantly recognize Pouri's acuity in the martial arts. Pouri then will proced to pour a cup of tea from the china teapot into one of the teacups and offer it, uttering the fearsome call "Cup of tea?" | |
| At this point, Uke stops in his tracks, saying, "why, don't mind if I do!" He reaches forward and accepts the proffered teacup. This is where his fatal flaw becomes evident to the wise observer, for, as he raises the steaming liquid towards his eager lips, his pinky**** extends outwards in a gesture of pomposity. Pouri takes full advantage in this change of Uke's stance reaching over the table, avoiding spilling anything or breaking crockery, and grabs hold of uke's extended finger. He twists, pulling upwards in a well practiced form and succeeds in not only spilling hot tea all over Uke, but also in breaking his finger in three places and often dislocating it. Pouri has incapacitated uke who will be hopping around in little circles swearing in Japanese, and can setle down to enjoy a slice of carrot cake, or perhaps a scone. * bad japanese pun |  the extended pinky (arrow), which often adopts a rotary motion, shown here by the circle |