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Janet Street-Culture investigates:
Trashy TVThis week I'm frighteningly close to Hell. I'm on the set of L!ce TV, a new 24-hour rolling crap documentary channel exlusively available to fans of Rupert Beardoch, the man who put the 'shit' into 'shit TV'. I'm going to watch behind the scenes and report on the fascinating goings-on, the intrigue and sometimes bareknuckled violence that marks out this sector of rubbish entertainment.
Day 1I'm in the nature studio with Alan, the producer and Michelle, the mystic visionary. We're playing with bluetack and looroll while Bob, the teaboy, goes out to find some ferns so we can simulate being in the New Forest in the series 'Interesting places with nature in them'. The production budget doesn't stretch to a trip to the New Forest, which is why we're simulating it. I think it's more fun and actually quite instructive. I get to wiggle the strings on the badger while Alan's mate Greg will put his hand inside a rubber chicken to show some of the very varied wildlife of the New Forest.
Day 2We're making a film about space travel. I get to hold the Handycam, sitting in the passenger seat while Alan's mate Greg drives his mini around the parking lot in circles to simulate weightlessness. My head is a little sore from the blood pressure, but I think it demonstrates our commitment to realism. After this I shall be putting on an astronaut's costume and jumping around the sandpit at the primary school across the street. This will be filmed in slow motion in black and white to simulate the moon.
Day 3This is DIY day. We have invited three couples to lend us their houses for 24 hours. This should give us three places to hide from the bailiffs when they come to throw us out of the studio.
Day 4The plan didn't work, so L!ce TV is effectively off the air. But it will return... Janet Stereo-Culture will be back too.... next week. |