Taken from Occult Mathematics for the Discerning Gentleman, in press.=09There are those in this world (often those whose=20 socks have been banished to the bottom drawer) who will=20 believe almost anything; tell them that if they spill some=20 salt, for example, that they must further spill more or be=20 cursed with bad luck, or yet more ridiculous, tell them that=20 if they walk under a ladder, someone might drop something on=20 them... was that right, I have a terrible feeling I messed up=20 somewhere along the way, but you get the gist. These people=20 spend their entire lives avoiding putting their shoes on the=20 table like the plague and hiding in fear from black cats for=20 all the wrong reasons. =09Society accepts these people as =D4superstitious=D5, most mathematicians= accept them as incredibly naive, I however reject them as plain stupid. I = have previously noted that to doubt the beliefs of others is a potentially = dangerous act. To ridicule them within the context of an academic text, how= ever, is acceptable: any superstitious person reading this is more likely t= o block out the insult assuming it does not apply to them personally than t= o take it in the derogatory sense in which I wholeheartedly meant it. This = is another example of their obvious stupidity... I didn=D5t go too far ther= e did I? I thought that I got my point across quite well. Although these people must be recognised as the pitiable fools that they are, there is often an important lesson to be=20 learned; this is why an elite band of mathemagicians have=20 dedicated their entire live to the study of the toast.=20 =09Let me explain this theorem. You probably already know it; it=D5s one of= the oldest and greatest misconceptions in history. It goes like this: Theorem 12a.1 - If I drop a piece of toast, it will always land butter side= down.=20 Such a theorem should not be stated without accurate definitions of the con= cepts involved. Toast: being that which pops out of the toaster. Butter: given any piece of toast existing within the set of all pieces of t= oast within a set time period, there exists a substance, labelled butter, w= hich one might spread upon the toast before the application of jam or perha= ps cheese.=20 Down: due to the rotation of the earth, our physical frame is non-inertial,= and hence Newtonian motion does not strictly apply. For the purpose of thi= s theorem, we will accept the down direction as what ever seems to be right= at the time, or after a few pints, whichever fits our results best. =09The fist man to define this theorem was named George Hunker, he did it i= n 1897, about 200 years after the first woman, Emily Burstein, who was not = taken seriously due to her insistence that she was being followed around by= a giant crocodile named Teddy. A lot of people felt somewhat silly when Te= ddy finally managed to catch up with her and one of the world=D5s potential= ly brilliant cultists was brought to a sudden (and somewhat messy) end. George Hunker, on the other hand, was far more successful, he=20 managed to get a small amount of government backing (relived=20 from the overfunded public health budget) for his little=20 project and founded the now highly revered group who have=20 made such progress in not only the field of superstition, but=20 also into the much neglected field of toast psychology. I=20 have included an extract from one of George=D5s earlier=20 lectures which I was graced with the good fortune to eagerly=20 attend below: =09=D2...the results of the practical experiments detailed previously [bein= g labelled 1a to 1d; The Correct Dropping of Toast], obviously point toward= s an exciting trend. No, not to start wearing pinstripe socks with clogs yo= u fool, the trend towards the butter side landing down more often than up. = This tiny error would normally be seen as lying within acceptable statistic= al deviance, and that=D5s exactly what it is, deviance. We don=D5t want err= or, we want exactness, lots of beautiful experiments all coming out with ex= actly the same number of upside downs as downside up... What do you mean Si= mpkins? no, of course the different texture of the butter to the toast won= =D5t make any difference, I told you, we can assume that it=D5s not there. = In fact, we can assume that it=D5s not really toast for all I care, just so= long as I get my monthly pay packet and free bread delivered, I=D5ll do as= many experiments as I can eat before lunch... Right, now does anybody have= any questions?=D3=20 As you can tell, he was a great man and his passing will be=20 much mourned by many top academics and of course his cousin,=20 the baker, who he made extremely rich indeed. |