But what is Jamati ?

Over ten thousand years ago, whilst sitting in his bonsai garden, Japanese whelk trader Yo Phat Dood received a vision. He saw men, big men. They were clad only in vests, and were shouting at each other. They were angry. They were chucking jam about. Thus, Yo came to see the light, and he also stopped drinking aftershave. Yo founded the Jamati school in Tokyo, where men become warriors and warriors become heroes. Jamati is the ancient Japanese art of self defence utilising jam. More controlled than karate, harder than kickboxing and less feminine than judo, this is the martial art for the discerning nineties gentleman.

How good can I become?
You start at standard Marmalade level, working up through Apricot, Strawberry, Cherry and Pear grades. Only the dedicated and strong-willed may progress further, where our skilled Jamati Masters will attempt to hone your skills into the ultimate in jam-based fighting. Only a select few will earn the title of Chutney Master, amn accolade of the highest honour. Famous Chutney Masters have included Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, the blue Power Ranger and Big Daddy.

How long will it take?
Could be a damn long time. Unless you're harder than a big sack of anvils.

If I was in Paris, where could I buy an Armani suit?
Try Emporio Armani, 25 Place Vendome, near Rue de Rivoli. You can always phone them on 01.42.61.02.34. The nearest Metro station is Tuileries.

How can I join?
Enrol now to learn the ancient secrets of the Japanese arts of Jamati. Fill in the form of at the bottom this letter. Money is non-returnable, and if you don't pay within thirty days, we'll send a huge fat bloke round in a nappy to throw jam at your car. Cheers.

Name:..............
Address:............
Favourite Fruit (not allowed melon).........
Yes! Please enrol me into the Jamati class. I enclose a crisp fifty pound note. Signed...............

Please send to: Phat Dood Enterprises, Tokyo, Japan, MAT W12

Please note that this is all a load of rubbish. In return for your money we will send you a small tub of yoghurt. This is not subject to change.