Join our feature-film gardeners as they battle the roots, branches and thorns in the back garden of 71 Pluperfect Avenue, Nowheresville

Our intrepid Gardeners are T 'Killer' Dipper (often erroneously mistaken for the similarly named T 'Kipper' Driller) and Donc 'Roots and leaves' Aronson. We join them as they contemplate a vicious and distinctly antagonistic stump. The time is 2.30 pm.

Tamlan: D'ya think it'd respond to explosives?

Donc: I think if we were to inject it with petrol...

T: Tell you what, I"ll give Demolition Taz, The Human Explosion, a call. We can borrow some nitro from him.

D: What, fertiliser? Last thing we want to do is encourage it. Petrol, on the other hand, if injected into the arteries...

T: No, no, no, you great thick plank of a plant-tending fool! Nitro as in glycerine... we'll blow it out of the water! If we get it right, praps it'll land far, far away and we won't have to dispose of the carcass...

D: Petrol's much more likely to kill it outright. I recommend drilling into the core with a Black and Decker, syphoning off some fuel, and injecting it into a main vein... It works with bananas.

T: Don't be ridiculous! Those banana shoots were only six inches tall: this, on the other hand, is a stump of considerable standing. Don't disrespect it. Perhaps we could convince the military to remove it with a helicopter. I'll just check with The Human Explosion about that high explosive...

It is now 3.30, the stump isn't rushing to give itself up, and there's more next issue.