Secondly, marmalade. Ever so tempting, the Spawn of Oranges, but avoid it. And avoiding it is so easy when you know how.

Just take one jar of marmalade. It needn't be yours. Crime is no concern of mine.

Open the lid. Now this is the time of greatest temptation, but resist it. Do not even allow yourself the luxury of a tiny taster. Take the open jar, and, holding it upside down, position a bin so as to catch the falling 'lade.

There you are. Stage one over. Now complete the therapy in your own time.

Thirdly, Hoovering. Hoovering is horrendously addictive and can be damaging to your health. If it is not possible for you to avoid it altogether then at least make sure that when you do hoover you break off at intervals for a spot of inner contemplation i n front of the television.

The Government Health Warning printed at the bottom of all vacuum cleaner adverts has been mandatory for several years now, but still some people seem to hoover blissfully on, unaware of the dangers. For the benefit of Pravda readers, here's a short rundo wn of the top five:

Firstly, hoovering gives you a Bad Back.

Secondly hoovering is Noisy and Antisocial. It has no place in the modern world.

Thirdly, hoovering disturbs eco-habitats which have existed peacefully and in harmony with the other biotic systems in your house for a week, a month or (hopefully) a year.

Fourthly, hoovering consumes Dustbags, a non-renewable resource.

Finally, hoovering put maids all over the civilised world out of work. When you hoover today, you are trampling on the dignity of their descendant's forebears.