Analogue Port: rarity. Works by analogy. E.g. imagine the socket has fifteen pins but the plug has nine. You can't combine the two. That's analogy. Also known as 'a pain in the backside'.

Core dump: Apple Computer sacks its middle management.

C prompt: misnomer applied to the command line on a DOS system.

Ethernet:

(1) Well, what else is it when it's not a net?
(2) alledgedly a connection system between computers. Actually just wire with fancy plugs serving no purpose other than to give network technicians something to play with.
(3) Painkilling gas for computer victims. Administered at a pressure of 10Mbit/second.

Floppy Disk: a sign of the need for Help Files.

Hard Drive: a rally in the Alps on single-track mountain roads punctuated by long periods during which the controls do not respond, and a small LED flashes in a psychotic manner.

Industry Standard Architecture (ISA): plush. Lots of glass and marble, and potted plants. Air conditioning hums noiselessly in the background.

Inkjet printer: ingenious device. Works by jamming and crinkling things.

I/O card: note from manufacturer to say that essential hardware is missing from the computer you just bought and it will be available on an add-on "daughterboard" in a few weeks/months/years.

Laser Printer: printer which works by sucking in twelve sheets of A4 paper, groaning, and ejecting them through the top while simultaneously switching itself off.

Modem: a one-seater Tandem

Motherboard: lowest level of component in a PC. If there is a 'motherboard fault' the unit in question is consigned to the junk heap because the motherboard, though appearances would suggest otherwise, is one contigous whole. It just looks like it's made up of separate components.

Netscape: item of clothing worn by internet-heads.

Num Lock: repetitive strain injury symptom. Involves loss of feeling and movement in one or both hands.

Parallel Port: not when I plug anything into it...

Parallel Processing: two adjacent computers running MS Word.

PS/2: message at bottom of IBM documentation reading: "Oh, by the way the above PS should read "this computer is incompatible" NOT "this computer is compatible""

RAM: unit of prestige among computer enthusiasts.

Random Access Memory: a phenomenon which redistributes information haphazardly into the fields of spreadsheets. Also a resource of wierd characters often encountered when re-opening a text file on a different computer. When you turn the computer off, this memory is erased, but it miraculously reappears when you next start up, partly to enable the PC to laboriously count it up, forget how much it had, and count it again before letting you get anything done.

Ribbon cable: pretty, grey cable used for giftwrapping low-density disks.

SCSI (scuzzy): effect of poor quality monitor on the eyes.

Seek Time: time it takes to discover where the power switch has been hidden on an unfamiliar PC.

Serial Port: Can you plug'n'play? Find out next week!

Space bar: only place in a computer room where you can get a pan-galactic gargleblaster or chat with Klingons. Also generic nickname for the only unlabelled key on the keyboard.

Spreadsheet: covers the bed (optionally containing mother or daughterboard, but never both)

SVGA: Swedish VGA. Compatible with most established standards, plus a few naughty ones.

Tower Unit: computer box in which all heavy components are stacked at the top, destroying any semblance of balance. Bought to impress.

World Wide Web: spiderweb stretching from one side of the globe to the other. Used for catching files.

Windows: trademark of a company called Microsoft. Theirs all have mirror glass.