'Hi. Do you know that the difference between the sphincter and the mouth hinges on the fact that one has two sets of muscle whereas the other has only one?'

'I'm actually researching STDs for my PhD. Do you have any I could borrow?'

'Could you hold my drink - I have to conduct a self laryngotomy'

'The Rodents! They're everywhere!'

'A talking dog! Whatever next!'

'Excuse me, is that my imagination or is there really a steady trickle of mucus running down your leg?'

'I work for the News of the World. Do you have any rich relatives you'd like me to write about?'

'Oh dear. I always end up with some brainless bimbo who doesn't know her arse from her ear-hole. Do you find that too?'

'Pass that bowl of peanuts - I think I'm going to be sick'

'I've just broken wind and it really smells'

'Only when the Tories are re-elected will I be truly happy'

'Your nose reminds me of Carlos the Jackal'

'I am Captain Flaccid, Saviour of the Universe'

'Well my a-levels were DDD which would have been great stats in their own right but...'

'...the village people. Have you heard of them - they're great'

'Excuse me, but I've been bleeped. You'll have to excuse me'

'...after that I just went into total denial. I went on a deep inner journey under the pretence of a deep and intractable psychosis. I never spoke, I ate only crackers and sultanas. Those were the good days. Otherwise I lived by tearing out my hair and eating it'

'I have a particular affinity with guinea-pigs. I just empathise with them so well. That's why I'm setting up a guinea-pig clinic. Yes, guinea-pigs. No, I've never eaten one. How shocking! With chilli?'

'My, my. Just as I thought. You're going to have a baby'

'The great advantage of DOS is that it allows functions to be embedded at a deep level which provides additional operation and parameter-centred control by the executor...'